Operation fun aka more grief work aka less work, more fun
About a year ago I started a bit of a plan to have more fun after a huge amount of reflection led me to the glaringly obvious conclusion that for a health & fitness coach who promotes balance, I wasn’t living a very balanced life.
It’s taken me time to unpick habits of overworking that started at school & really came to a head when I was knee deep in avoiding my grief from our son’s death.
Lots of things were going on for me, & my routines around work were keeping me feeling safe. But they were also stopping me from living my life. Though of course I didn’t know it.
I saw @holliepoetry perform a few nights ago & she spoke about the way people talk about days that are supposed to be the happiest days of your life.
The day you get married, the day you have a child.
The reality is, & I agree with @holliepoetry on this, I think we’re living them now.
I think *these* are some of the best days for us.
Not those hard hard years when Kitty was so tiny when I couldn’t think straight, let alone feel. When I was scared to death of doing things wrong with this tiny person.
Not the sunny lockdown years that I hated because they felt like loss all over again.
Not when I was working 60/70 hour weeks establishing my business.
After I burnout 2 years ago, I’ve done a lot of intentional work… & now I feel like I’m living my life again, not just observing it.
In the last year I’ve drastically changed how I work & my relationship with my work, got my first tattoo, joined a Choir, met Father Christmas, done some gardening, started an imperfect podcast, relearnt to snowboard, got my first pull up, attended a meditation retreat, done a photo shoot & this weekend learnt how to ride a mountain bike.
I’ve started doing things that I wanted to do but was scared to do. Maybe because I didn’t think that ‘someone like me’ did them.
I’m suddenly hugely aware of all the time I *haven’t* got.
I’m aware of the paused years.
It’s a new part of grief after losing Jim. I think.