The day I realised I owned no make up and it didn’t matter

Here’s a picture of me 20 years ago. Full face of make up and my hair sprayed with product to keep every strand in place.

Last weekend I was off to meet some friends. I ratcheted around trying to find a mascara as I rather wanted to look nice, and was disappointed I couldn't find one, but still felt nice- I even took a cute car selfie before I became all windswept and bedraggled.

I’m obviously twenty years older, but I am so much more comfortable in my own skin now. I wonder when this happened? And I wonder how?

The me of now compared the the me of 20 years ago does what she wants. Not in a selfish way- but by this I mean that I live my life according to what I want, not what other people will think of my decisions. Oh my god I was a people pleaser! I had a great job- an amazing job running a famous music venue in London, but I swear I only had it because it ‘looked good’ not because I actually wanted it. I was caught up in a career ladder climb that was all about outward appearances.

I was in a relationship that made me feel so crappy. I was desperate for love and affection. Oh how I wish I could go back to the old Beth and tell her to have a bit of self esteem and dump that idiot. I felt so crap that I nose dived into giant pizzas and bottles of red wine every night. I wasn’t aware of my body growing- it didn’t bother me, I just kept buying new jeans, size 18.

Today I’m married to Kev who is a wonderful man . And whilst life isn’t easy and hasn’t been easy for us, I’m learning better emotional regulation!

There’s obviously been a lot of years gone by and I've reduced my make up dependancy over time. When I was a teacher I wore bit of make up, it’s obviously been a transition that’s happened when I’ve been working as an online coach. I didn’t intend for it to happen, but it just has. I’ve spent 4 years training women. face to face outdoors in all weathers, so being worried about my appearance has just been pointless! I’m also a busy self employed mum trying to fit lots in- so putting makeup on obviously just hasn't been a priority in my days.

I quite often will exercise first thing in the morning and sit around in my gym gear all day, not showering until after tea. The way I look has just become a non- priority for me. You should see me on the school run! I think it’s because I’ve done so much work on processing my feelings these last few years that it’s just honestly not been important to me. It takes Kitty and I 15 minutes max (usually 10) to get ready for school/ the school run in a morning and to be honest with you I really like how she’s not seeing me take ages to get ready each day- I don’t want her to get fixated on her appearance either. It helps that I’m my own boss and work at home- but still, I’ve created that life for myself based on what I want.

I think one thing that’s really helped with this is me learning not to notice what other people (women) look like. I have worked very hard to improve my body image and part of that has been not paying attention to looks and focusing instead on an individuals personality. What is inside them. This has reduced my body comparison massively and I just don't seem to care about my face.

Something I do do, is nice skin care, and oh my god this feels so grown up! I’ve only done this in the last few years but it’s helped me on lots of levels (morning and night time routines mainly) but it also means I’m not totally neglecting my face! I feel like i’m nourishing it- which I like. Plus it starts and ends the day nicely - I like rituals.

I also don’t go out out much anymore. There’s been two occasions recently where I thought to myself that make up would’ve been nice, but I couldn’t bloody find any so that was that! My life has become very simple, which I like, and very not glamorous! I didn’t purposively set out for that to happen and I would never had imagined it becoming that way- but sitting here thinking about this I can see it’s true.

What’s quite interesting to me is that I work online and am on instagram far too much every day- (for work, for work!) yet I’ve still made the non- intentional shift to no make up. Added to this, the health and wellbeing industry is so appearance focused- yet I clearly don’t care. And that’s not me just saying these words- I mean, you should see me most of the time! I do care about my clothes (kind of, but I’m very samey with what I wear!), but clearly not about my face. And I kind of love this!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I love my face- I really don’t. In fact, I went through some weird stage recently where I couldn’t look at photo’s of my face. I just really hated my face. It was quite weird. I’ve heard of something called Zoom Dsymorphia which is when you work online and on zoom a lot and you start hating your face because you look at it so much and see it talking and end up picking it apart. I definitely have this at times! I’ve noticed I’m all lopsided, my lower teeth are crooked and bother me and my lips are so thin. I can pick myself apart like this, but I’m still not interested in make up. I suppose I just know this phase will pass and I concentrate on habits that make me feel good.

One thing that I have done for the last 2 years certainly is never use filters on my photos. This is really important as otherwise I realised that the real me was never going to live up to the online me I posted online. I’ve also made a conscious effort to stop always just posting the ‘best’ photo I take of myself- because I’m never going to live up to that in real life. I’ve stopped hunting for the best angles, lighting and muscles - and just focused on simple old me. If I don’t do this, I’ll never live live up to my own hype- ha ha! Ive also been trying to post less actual photos of my face (not great for the algorithm and my visibility) as I’m aware that this in itself reinforces steroetypes online regarding fitness and reduces its accessibility. Plus, when you go through a “I hate my face phase"“ that’s ok actually!

I’ve also done an absolute mountain of inner work these last few years, and I’m slowly getting my head around truly believing the fact that I am enough. The impact that this has had has been huge. It’s affected my relationships & connection, and I feel more authentic than ever. It’s affected my pretty much everything around me. My marriage, my relationship with Kitty, my relationship with food and my body, my relationship with my work and my spending habits. My friendships are next level and I am more present all round. I’m not always convinced by the mantra ‘I am enough’, but most of the time I truly believe it.

Feeling like you’re enough just as you are is a pretty amazing feeling. I don’t have it nailed all the time, and often I still do a lot of wobbling, but it’s so different to the 25 year old me above. I honestly want to go back and give her a cuddle and tell her to stop kidding herself on that she’s happy.

But maybe these things happen as we get older too? Maybe I’m becoming the old lady who wears purple in that poem who doesn’t care about what other people think? I’m 45 in a couple of months and mentally that puts me at nearly 50. Maybe I’m just sick of having spent decades trying to please others and now I’m ready to just stop wasting my one precious life.

Maybe I'd rather spend time in a morning reading my book and pottering round the kitchen and reading with Kitty than putting a face on. I’m really not sure, but I actually really like it and appreciate where I’m at with this, and if you’ve read this far thank you! It’s felt nice to be able to write it down. Taking time to reflect is important for me- and I appreciate you being here with me.

Side note: I recently bought a mascara- my first in years and I feel like a kid in a sweet shop with it. Instant glamour! hahaha!

If you’re interested in beginning a similar journey, reach out- it’s one of the ways I help the women I work 1-1 with.