I’m changing my word of the year…
If you’ve read my previous blogs you’ll know that at the end of 2023 I reflected on my year and set intentions for 2024. I also chose a word for my year, but i’ve realised that that word was wrong. It’s not what I need.
You see closing ‘Discipline’ felt appropriate for my work life (new scary projects, focusing on processes rather than outcome, weekly structure). But the thing is, that’s pretty easy for me. I love working and I find it easy. I mean, obviously sometimes it’s ridiculously hard, but on the whole, working hard, being conscientious and taking pride in what I do comes easy to me. I used to be a major people pleaser and professionally I think this is especially true. Anyway… so I don’t need to remind myself of discisipline because I already have it work wise.
I’m also very good at self discipline personally too. But not it a harsh, mean way. I mean that I have built incredible solid self care structures and habits that scaffold my life and basically are who I am now, so I don’t need discipline there either.
When I chose the word ‘discipline’ originally because I thought that was what I needed to feel in control and happy this year. But January has shown me that actually my word for this year is Love.
Now, before I go on, this is a shock to me. I did not expect this. For a few weeks I’ve known that my word wasn’t discipline, but I couldn’t work out what it was. But it’s emerged to me gently like the snowdrops and I’m so so happy with it.
Love is a bit airy fairy for me. A bit too pink and fluffy. Too feminine and girly or old me. But talkingtherapy has given me this whole new authentic sense of who I truly am, and I am so here for love now. I’m discovering me on a deeper level, and accepting myself as I truly am. It’s pretty mind-blowing if I told you the whole story but you’ll need to make do with this version!
Love is most definitely the word that is going to guide me this year and I can already feel it working.
Love is about my whole self, and about a feeling of warmth and nourishment and connection. It’s a feeling of deep healing and growth. It’s about feelings of deep peace and contentment. It’s about patience and listening. Compromise, teamwork and evolution. It’s about Motherhood and family.
I know it’s love because glimmers are longer and more frequent. They stay with me. They are love in action.
It’s not about loving myself, though it could be. It’s definitely about deeply respecting myself. It’s about having a North Star guiding force that is finally feeling clear as crystal after years of wading through treacle.
It’s about rest, mastery, meaning and purpose. It’s about joy. And the time and space to explore these things. It’s about being present, laughing and being real. It’s about me showing up as my best but being compassionate enough to know that’s not always possible.
I’ve been a bit overcome by these feelings recently. I’ve been working on becoming more embodied. Yoga and somatic and mindfulness practices are doing this for me. Jim’s death caused me to become totally disconnected from my body, and I think i’ve always been that way a bit too. Life was for working and accomplishments, nothing as gentle and kind as love. I also think getting older is changing me in this way too. It feels quite amazing really. Very woo and very different to how I expected life to feel. So grateful for my husband Kev in all of this. Allowing me to explore all this.
This isn’t the kind of thing I thought I’d write about on my blog, but I hope you don’t mind me sharing it. Chosing Love feels a bit weird for me. It’s awkward. It’s too soft. Too female. Not business-y enough. Too vulnerable. But I know it’s what I need, and trusting myself is part of this.
Trusting in Love will be hard for me after being shattered to my core. But, as you know, it’s important to me to get comfortable being uncomfortable. So, I’m excited to see how committing to prioritising Love as my word of 2024 will feel. I know it won’t be easy, but that’s very okay.
Thanks for reading x