More grief work…

I feel like I’ve been missing off here for a little while. Maybe you’ve noticed- maybe you haven’t. Maybe it’s just been in my head I’ve been struggling to show up as on the face of it I’ve been ticking along.

The truth is I’ve been doing a huge amount of thinking & feeling & processing, & I can feel some massive shifts happening - but I can’t really articulate what’s happening or how I actually feel. But something is changing & I like it.

This summer (like all of our Summers it seems!) was a major opportunity for me to do a lot of reflection as I took some time off work.

And September is always a big one for me. Lots of big, complex emotions. And hope for the future. But also reflections on the past. I feel like there’s so much change happening, I’m needing to hang on so tight, but am also able to go with it more than I’ve ever done in my whole entire life.

Last weekend saw our 6 year house-iversary. We moved into our home 5 months after our baby son Jim died. I can’t remember so much about those early years.

6 years later & this is what I’ve been up to & I’m so happy about it. Finding the energy, the time, the inclination & the desire to do this has literally taken me 6 years. I’ve cried a lot of happy tears about this. And sad tears. In fact I’m just crying a lot at the moment! But I can see & feel I’m moving forwards somehow. I feel a bit proud of myself. This is new.

Like I say- I’m still getting my head around  what things are meaning for me.

With each new corner I turn, I can’t believe the depth of my grief. And I still can’t believe it keeps taking me by bloody surprise!

People told me my grief would get easier as time went on. I’m actually not sure that is truly the case.

I’ve distracted myself with so many different things in the last 6 years- the hole left by Jim is so wide. And I think I’m actually feeling it now & starting to learn to live with it - not just trying to fill it ❤️