Letting go. More grief work.

Each year I see the inspirational quotes online about the leaves and the trees at this time of year teaching us how to let go, and I get it.

But this year I seem to be really getting it.

I can feel some major shifts happening in me. And I like it, it feels good.

Nearly 7 years after Jim died and I’m only starting to realise the momumental way that his life and death has affected me.

I can’t even articulate it now, though for a long time I could and I thought I was fine.

If anything, my grief seems to be more now than ever.

I am starting to see with clarity how his death has affected me, and I’m ready to let things go.

This started with some tidying up a little while ago, and it’s continuing like that and I really like it.

I feel lighter having less stuff.

I like having more space.

Finally I’m starting to feel like the house we moved into just after he died is ours.

Finally I’m not overwhelmed by it.

Finally I’m loving it.

Enjoying the garden.

Doing the stuff I never thought I’d do.

And not just working which was my ‘thing’ for so long.

Planting seeds.

Growing things.

Baking.

Looking after things.

Creating

Taking care.

Resting.

Resting so deeply.

And connecting. Finally I feel present.

Not burying myself in work (I do appreciate the irony that I’m blogging about this)

Not feeling guilty for resting.

Not needing to be busy.

Allowing myself to be, not just do.

And part of the peace is coming from having less stuff. And also needing less stuff. And wanting less stuff.

Less needing to fill a hole. More being ok with who I am and where I am.

It’s a funny old thing but I really like it.

Thank you to the trees for helping me think about this.